Even typing the title in this article brings back emotion in me. I know first hand that if you are reading this article, you probably feel a good bit of pain, confusion, frustration, and an overwhelmingly strong sense of betrayal. When your husband has an affair, you’re whole world, and the life you thought you knew, can feel like it is falling apart.
And, you wonder if you really knew your husband at all if he could do something like this and you could not know. When the same person who betrayed you in the worst possible way by cheating is then professing his love you for, and swearing that he still loves you, this can magnify the confusion and turmoil. This article is based on my own experience and research and will attempt to help you sort out the conflict and logic of your husband having an affair while still loving you.
Can You Believe That Your Husband Really Loves You Still, Even If He Had An Affair?: I struggled with this question for so long. It just didn’t make sense to me that my husband could actually love me and then betray me in that way. I could not imagine how you could supposedly love someone and then turn around and cheat on them. It took me a long time to even be receptive to researching and understanding why men cheat.
What I eventually learned was that often men cheating have little to do with their love for of commitment to their wife. It all boils down to poor impulse control and decision making or going about solving a problem or self esteem issue in an incredibly bad, and immature way.
I often have women tell me “my husband is not really sorry he cheated. He’s sorry he got caught.” I used to believe this too, and perhaps this is true for some husbands. But from what I have learned, I now firmly believe that most men are truly sorry for their actions and would do anything to take it back. Unfortunately, turning back the clock is just not possible, but there are some actions you can take to help bridge the gap.
What To Look For In A Husband Who Is Truly Sorry For The Affair And Still Loves His Wife: I believe that men who are truly remorseful for the affair and do still really love their wives often exhibit certain characteristics. These actions may not come as soon as the affair is revealed or is over, but they need to come eventually.
First, a husband should be willing to be completely honest about the affair. Not giving you the whole picture or withholding telling you what you need to know is once again exhibiting dishonest behavior. Some men hold back at first but are eventually convinced to come around here.
Second, the husband should understand how his actions and the affair have deeply hurt his wife and should be genuinely sorry. A husband who still loves his wife will not make excuses for the affair or blame the marriage or the wife for his own choice. A cheating husband needs to eventually take full responsibility for the affair and the decisions he made. Many husbands do not get to this point immediately, but many will come to this realization over time and through some work.
Third, the husband should be committed and willing to explore what lead up to the affair and work on fixing the problems so that this doesn’t happen again. Interestingly, I find that most cheating husbands are willing to do this. It is often the wife who is stuck here. The reason for this is that the wife is understandably not sure that she can trust her husband with her full and open heart. She is afraid that if she trusts him and allows herself to be vulnerable, he is going to shatter her heart when he does it again.
Finally, the husband should be willing to provide reassurance about his whereabouts and his feelings. Women whose husband have cheated on them will often have a huge blow dealt to their self esteem. We often wonder if the affair happened because we weren’t pretty or sexy enough or we weren’t young enough or a good enough wife. Therefore, we are going to need our husband to reassure us often.
Men will often say evasive things like “it’s not you, it’s me,” after they have an affair. These kind of elusive statements don’t help us. We need the husband to be specific with is feelings and to keep doing this. Because it just takes time for us to regain our trust and self esteem.
So, Should You Believe Your Husband And Give Him A Second Chance After An Affair?: This is a personal decision. But, I believe from my research and my personal experience that if your husband is exhibiting all of the things I listed above, is willing to take responsibility for the affair, is committed to saving the marriage, and has the patience support you and bear with you as you heal, he deserves a second chance.
I understand that it may feel almost impossible for you to trust and love your husband again, but with work, an open heart, and both parties being committed to doing what needs to be done, a marriage can not only survive an affair, but it can be stronger as the result. It’s important to use the affair as a wake up call as to what was wrong and could be improved in the marriage. Many couples (myself included) will tell you that their marriage is actually much stronger once they’ve done the work to heal from the affair.
I struggled greatly with forgiving my husband and believing he still loved me after his affair, but after much introspection, conducting a lot of research, and listening to knowledgeable experts, I finally learned that forgiveness, and believing him, was possible. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, our marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. You can read my how to keep your marriage strong
- why husband doesn t seem sorry about his affair